You can, too.
By Alec Winshel and Michael Kellman
I was once lost, lonely, and unable to get a date like all of you schmucks, but then I watched every Rom-Com in existence and now I make Casanova look like Quasimodo. So I put together this guide to give back to the community. You’re welcome.
1. Always chase a girl through the airport.
No matter how badly they want to get on their flight, you have to stop them. After the first few times getting tased by TSA you’ll stop feeling it, but try to avoid the mace if you can. Make sure to have a speech ready that you can…
The Bible tells it differently.
By Michael Kellman & Alec Winshel
I’ll admit that I’m not the perfect husband. I don’t like doing chores. I sleep late some mornings. I get jealous when my wife cheats on me with deities. But, my-wife’s-lover-dammit, I try my best to be a good husband and father. When it finally came time to deliver our sweet boy, I pulled out all the stops.
My wife was in tremendous pain. Her breath came in laboring gasps as I brought her to the back shed. The fresh air would be better for Mary than the musty air in our hut. All…
Like, for real, guys.
To: New Year’s Bash
3:34 PM
Subject: Get Hyped, Also I Have an Ask
Hey everyone,
I’m super excited for tonight and I hope you all are too. Just to reiterate the info from the RSVP, because I’ve gotten some texts about it, arrive at my place between 9 and 9:30 so I can have my door guy let you in.
I know you’re all gassed up for another year of my epic New Year’s party, but I have a request to make. As many of you know, Lisa and I recently broke up. It got rocky, the bedroom wasn’t…
When reached for comment, the manager stated that he “followed JIF policy to a T.”
By Alec Winshel and Michael Kellman
To: MarnieWilbesh@gmail.com; Chaddrey-Stevens@CAA.org
From: Daschell.Helmut@JIFF.com
Sent at 3:30 AM from my iPhone
Marnie,
Hope you’re having a super day! I’m a huge fan who also happens to be a social engineer with JIF’s Peanut Butter Influence Management team. We here at JIF absolutely adore your brand! No one mixes relatable content with inhuman beauty quite like you.
I’m reaching out to see if you would be interested in representing us as a brand ambassador. Our identity as the premiere down-to-earth-but-scandalous peanut butter positions us as your perfect collaborator.
This content should have the Marnie…
Because that guy is a dick
For those of you who don’t know who I am (which is supposed to be everyone, I never asked for this fame and was supposed to be invisible and undetectable), I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I am invisible and I live in the sky and fly around and stuff. What I do on my time should be my business.
However, some time ago a 24 year old dude named Bobby Henderson wrote a letter to a Kansas school board protesting the teachings of intelligent design and creationism in public school. Whilst mocking their decision, he somehow intuited my existence…
This is bullshit.
To: All Company Listserv
Subject: Reaction to the Banning of St. Patrick’s Day Wardrobe
Hello all,
Dave here. Dave from accounting. For those of you who don’t know me directly, you may remember me as the guy who wore a kickass bedazzled green suit to work for St. Patty’s Day last year, replete with rhinestones, an alligator skin hat, and crocodile skin boots. I also brought an Irish wolfhound dyed green with me (non-toxic, all natural, skin safe dye. Relax.).
Firstly, I wasn’t aware that this firm was run by fascists. I just wasn’t! It would’ve been awesome if someone…
Please take my number.
First I’d just like to say, as a woman, that I want to fuck you. Like, so, so badly. I ALWAYS judge my potential sexual partners on loudness. One time I was next to a car that backfired and I creamed my jeans. I had to change it was so bad. My panties were as wet, salty, and limp as a kelp forest. Seriously. So when you ride around on that loud, LOUD thang — it really gets me going. …
Please, come to my aid.
As I write this letter I stand somewhere in the western United States, on the banks of an unknown river. Upon completion I will insert this parchment into a bottle I have found, and cast it into the dark waters, with the vain hope that someone will find it and heed my call for rescue.
My location I know not; I know only how I got here. One week ago, that fateful night, the activist group PETA, which I believe stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, kidnapped me from my home at…
It’s Tremendous.
Having run out of self-tanner weeks ago, Trump wanders the halls of Florida’s Restorative Retirement Enclave pasty, and ghost-like.
Any time he encounters another human he makes sure to stand very close to them, towering over other geriatrics and flaunting his prodigious girth over often gauntly elderlies. Many of them are in wheel chairs. He would tower over them regardless. But he doesn’t care.
A caretaker brings him his lunch. A number six from KFC and a Happy Meal from McDonald’s. He refuses to eat anything else. If anything else is brought he says “naked, I’m getting naked”…
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
Elmo, Mr. Flufferbutt, thanks for coming. Here, let me pour your tea. What we have today is a beautiful chamomile with a lemon infusion. Yes Mr. Flufferbutt I know how fond you are of lemon. No, Elmo, you can’t have Mr. Flufferbutt’s cup, use the cup in front of you.
Now, we pray.
We thank you, Dear Lord, for this bounty of tea and crackers, we thank you for the table at which we sit and the chairs in which we sit. We thank you for bringing us all together, for…
Michael Kellman
Writer, Filmmaker, Comedian, Improviser, Geologist. Top writer in ‘Satire’ and ‘Humor’.
