By Alec Winshel and Michael Kellman
To: MarnieWilbesh@gmail.com; Chaddrey-Stevens@CAA.org
Sent at 3:30 AM from my iPhone
Hope you’re having a super day! I’m a huge fan who also happens to be a social engineer with JIF’s Peanut Butter Influence Management team. We here at JIF absolutely adore your brand! No one mixes relatable content with inhuman beauty quite like you.
I’m reaching out to see if you would be interested in representing us as a brand ambassador. Our identity as the premiere down-to-earth-but-scandalous peanut butter positions us as your perfect collaborator.
This content should have the Marnie…
By Alec Winshel and Michael Kellman
I was once lost, lonely, and unable to get a date like all of you schmucks, but then I watched every Rom-Com in existence and now I make Casanova look like Quasimodo. So I put together this guide to give back to the community. You’re welcome.
No matter how badly they want to get on their flight, you have to stop them. After the first few times getting tased by TSA you’ll stop feeling it, but try to avoid the mace if you can. Make sure to have a speech ready that you can…
By Michael Kellman & Alec Winshel
I’ll admit that I’m not the perfect husband. I don’t like doing chores. I sleep late some mornings. I get jealous when my wife cheats on me with deities. But, my-wife’s-lover-dammit, I try my best to be a good husband and father. When it finally came time to deliver our sweet boy, I pulled out all the stops.
My wife was in tremendous pain. Her breath came in laboring gasps as I brought her to the back shed. The fresh air would be better for Mary than the musty air in our hut. All…
To: New Year’s Bash
Subject: Get Hyped, Also I Have an Ask
I’m super excited for tonight and I hope you all are too. Just to reiterate the info from the RSVP, because I’ve gotten some texts about it, arrive at my place between 9 and 9:30 so I can have my door guy let you in.
I know you’re all gassed up for another year of my epic New Year’s party, but I have a request to make. As many of you know, Lisa and I recently broke up. It got rocky, the bedroom wasn’t…
Pigeons are like Tom Brady. Despite your continued hatred, they’re everywhere and they stay winning. Somehow, they can’t be stopped. And they vomit food into their offsprings mouths. When Tom kisses his son on the lips? Not just saliva being exchanged.
Albatrosses are fucking huge. Have you ever seen an albatross? Of course you haven’t, because you wouldn’t survive the encounter. That’s how big they are. Do you have any friends who have seen an albatross? No. No you don’t. Because they’re dead.
It really isn’t talked about enough that parrots can talk. Um, hello? Parrots can fucking talk. Like…
Hey everyone!!!! Welcome back to another episode of my mukbang series. Thank you so much for tuning in.
For those of you that don’t know what a mukbang is, it’s an eating show! I’ll be eating and talking with you guys — we’ll just be hanging out! It’s super fun, and you can check out my other videos here.
Today’s meal is… a bowl of bees!
You heard that right! REAL bees! As my subscribers know, I’ve been experimenting with more ethnic… can I still say that? Ethnic? I’m sure it’s fine. More ethnic food, and today’s adventure is bees.
For those of you who don’t know who I am (which is supposed to be everyone, I never asked for this fame and was supposed to be invisible and undetectable), I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I am invisible and I live in the sky and fly around and stuff. What I do on my time should be my business.
However, some time ago a 24 year old dude named Bobby Henderson wrote a letter to a Kansas school board protesting the teachings of intelligent design and creationism in public school. Whilst mocking their decision, he somehow intuited my existence…
To: All Company Listserv
Subject: Reaction to the Banning of St. Patrick’s Day Wardrobe
Dave here. Dave from accounting. For those of you who don’t know me directly, you may remember me as the guy who wore a kickass bedazzled green suit to work for St. Patty’s Day last year, replete with rhinestones, an alligator skin hat, and crocodile skin boots. I also brought an Irish wolfhound dyed green with me (non-toxic, all natural, skin safe dye. Relax.).
Firstly, I wasn’t aware that this firm was run by fascists. I just wasn’t! It would’ve been awesome if someone…
Please take my number.
First I’d just like to say, as a woman, that I want to fuck you. Like, so, so badly. I ALWAYS judge my potential sexual partners on loudness. One time I was next to a car that backfired and I creamed my jeans. I had to change it was so bad. My panties were as wet, salty, and limp as a kelp forest. Seriously. So when you ride around on that loud, LOUD thang — it really gets me going. …
Please, come to my aid.
As I write this letter I stand somewhere in the western United States, on the banks of an unknown river. Upon completion I will insert this parchment into a bottle I have found, and cast it into the dark waters, with the vain hope that someone will find it and heed my call for rescue.
My location I know not; I know only how I got here. One week ago, that fateful night, the activist group PETA, which I believe stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, kidnapped me from my home at…
Writer, Filmmaker, Comedian, Improviser, Geologist. Top writer in ‘Satire’ and ‘Humor’.