Please take my number.
First I’d just like to say, as a woman, that I want to fuck you. Like, so, so badly. I ALWAYS judge my potential sexual partners on loudness. One time I was next to a car that backfired and I creamed my jeans. I had to change it was so bad. My panties were as wet, salty, and limp as a kelp forest. Seriously. So when you ride around on that loud, LOUD thang — it really gets me going. …
Please, come to my aid.
As I write this letter I stand somewhere in the western United States, on the banks of an unknown river. Upon completion I will insert this parchment into a bottle I have found, and cast it into the dark waters, with the vain hope that someone will find it and heed my call for rescue.
My location I know not; I know only how I got here. One week ago, that fateful night, the activist group PETA, which I believe stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, kidnapped me from my home at…
By Alec Winshel and Michael Kellman
I was once lost, lonely, and unable to get a date like all of you schmucks, but then I watched every Rom-Com in existence and now I make Casanova look like Quasimodo. So I put together this guide to give back to the community. You’re welcome.
No matter how badly they want to get on their flight, you have to stop them. After the first few times getting tased by TSA you’ll stop feeling it, but try to avoid the mace if you can. Make sure to have a speech ready that you can…
Having run out of self-tanner weeks ago, Trump wanders the halls of Florida’s Restorative Retirement Enclave pasty, and ghost-like.
Any time he encounters another human he makes sure to stand very close to them, towering over other geriatrics and flaunting his prodigious girth over often gauntly elderlies. Many of them are in wheel chairs. He would tower over them regardless. But he doesn’t care.
A caretaker brings him his lunch. A number six from KFC and a Happy Meal from McDonald’s. He refuses to eat anything else. If anything else is brought he says “naked, I’m getting naked”…
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
Elmo, Mr. Flufferbutt, thanks for coming. Here, let me pour your tea. What we have today is a beautiful chamomile with a lemon infusion. Yes Mr. Flufferbutt I know how fond you are of lemon. No, Elmo, you can’t have Mr. Flufferbutt’s cup, use the cup in front of you.
Now, we pray.
We thank you, Dear Lord, for this bounty of tea and crackers, we thank you for the table at which we sit and the chairs in which we sit. We thank you for bringing us all together, for…
Once upon a time there was a mouse named Maximillian. He went by Max for short. One day he was running along the Burrows with his father when he spotted a scrap of food peeking out of a hole. He darted off to get it, thinking his father would be proud of him for his find. When he returned with his trophy his father shook his head, long whiskers brushing the floor.
“No, my son.” He said. “We do not take from our fellows.”
“But,” Max replied, “we take from the humans all the time.”
Max’s father sat back on…
We need to talk.
I’d just like to start by saying that I FUCKING GOT YOU.
Somebody call the Guinness Book of World Records because I win for longest practical joke in HISTORY. GOD you all are stupid. Colonel? SERIOUSLY?! Pronounced KERNEL?! I mean Jesus Christ you all are gullible. Holy shit.
I made colonel as a joke for some buddies on a dare, while I was pissed drunk, and didn’t think for a second I’d get away with it. Not only do you imbeciles adopt it, you use it as a word for a COMMANDING OFFICER. When I first…
My suspicions are not unfounded.
June 7th, 2018.
This is my first entry in years. I guess this is what it’s come to. I don’t know where else to turn. They’re just suspicions at this point, but they’re too crazy to talk to anyone about. They’d say I was nuts. I’m not nuts. I saw my wife out in the fields today, by our scarecrow. Relatively unusual because she doesn’t go out there often, but not unheard of. She’s the one who made the thing a few months ago, after all. I couldn’t tell what she was doing, but it…
Satan sat in a winged leather chair behind a massive cherry desk, scrolling through TikTok. His secretary knocked and entered. She was supernaturally attractive, with two small horns peeking out from beneath her jet black hair.
“Mr. Hill is here to see you, sir.”
Satan stopped mimicking the “Renegade” dance and threw his hands up.
“Again?! He was here a month ago!” His secretary said nothing, just waited with a polite smile. The best way to ensure you didn’t get maimed was to remain silent, and she had a date with a lava demon later. “Tell him I’m busy.”
To: New Year’s Bash
Subject: Get Hyped, Also I Have an Ask
I’m super excited for tonight and I hope you all are too. Just to reiterate the info from the RSVP, because I’ve gotten some texts about it, arrive at my place between 9 and 9:30 so I can have my door guy let you in.
I know you’re all gassed up for another year of my epic New Year’s party, but I have a request to make. As many of you know, Lisa and I recently broke up. It got rocky, the bedroom wasn’t…
Writer, Filmmaker, Comedian, Improviser, Geologist. Top writer in ‘Satire’ and ‘Humor’.